Dead in the water

This will be short, but it’s too funny not to post. As I’ve discussed, I’m back on Plentyoffish.com. No, people didn’t get any more normal. But a boy’s got to date. Maybe.

Here’s an actual message I just received:

Loved ur profile
Loved your pics

Here fishie fishie!
Would love to know you better!

S****

The key to my heart (or my pants) cannot be found in phrases like “Here fishie fishie!” And, let’s get real, he was hideous. You know I’d overlook a dumb phrase for someone really hot. Although, calling me fishie, fishie just might be too much for anyone to overcome.

Laying out the bait,

BM

Nope, I’d never hang out with Leslie Knope

Hi folks,

I can’t believe it’s already been three days since my last post. I could say that time flies when you’re having fun, but I haven’t really been having much fun. Or doing a whole lot of anything. I was on deadline, sure, but I also haven’t gotten out of bed before noon this week. #Selfemploymentproblems

I’m currently watching Parks and Recreation, a show that I adore, and it’s just now that I realized that I can’t stand the main character. I like Leslie Knope as a character on TV, but I’d rather spend time with Ann Coulter than her (if she were a real person). Amy Poehler does a fantastic job at playing an annoying character that you root for. But I also kind of root for her to die. Is that bad?

Here are some other TV characters I’d never want to be friends with in real life. I won’t include the batshit crazy people – like the characters on Revenge – because I’d actually kind of like someone crazier than I am in my life. These are simply characters that would annoy the shit out of me.

1. Tracy Jordan on 30 Rock. I can’t stand Tracy Morgan and his stupid sense of humour, so it reasons to think that I’d have trouble being friends with him. And since his TV counterpart is essentially a caricature of him, I’d likely hate being around the character too. Unlike Leslie Knope, I don’t even like Tracy Jordan as a character. There’s stupid and then there’s too stupid. If I wanted to watch a complete moron, I’d switch the channel to MTV and catch Jersey Shore. At least then I’d be able to make a game of it. Spot the genital wart!

2. Miranda Bailey on Grey’s Anatomy. You should be a lot nicer when you’re that ugly. That’s all I’m going to say. The toughness seems really forced when she breaks down and cries or shows emotion four times a season. If you’re going to be a hardass, own it. Like House or even (old school) Chuck Bass.

3. Schmidt on New Girl. I like gay guys, hence why I sleep with them. But this dude is just too gay. For a straight guy, I mean. I’d be pissed hanging with a guy like this in real life because I’d continuously be questioning his heterosexuality. And we probably wouldn’t get along so well with me hitting on him non-stop. That said, I love him as a TV character, even if there’s another roommate that I’d rather walk around shirtless all of the time.

4. Jess on New Girl. TV characters who make up songs and talk in a kermit-like voice? Cool. Friends who do these things? I’d shoot them in the face. Or cut out their vocal chords. Either or.

5. The entire cast of The Big Bang Theory. I only like nerds on TV. And the candy, too. I’d still have sex with one of the nerds, though. It’s Leonard, for the record.

6. Kalinda on The Good Wife. I don’t need emotional unavailability in my friends. That’s what my dating life is for.

7. Lemon Breeland on Hart of Dixie. I love Southern accents, but I hate this one. And what 20-something wears 1960s frilly pastel dresses around everywhere she goes? Isn’t it, like, 5 million degrees in Alabama, too? Bitch is crazy. And annoying.

8. THREE-WAY TIE: Mercedes, Santana, and Finn on Glee. I could handle the rest of them (in small doses). But not these three. Mercedes is too full of herself and stubborn. We’d absolutely bat heads. Santana is too mean and I’d be scared to hear about my manboobs on a daily basis. And Finn is just whiny. SO whiny!

Like all of my lists, this one was hard to create. I always have so many more people to hate on than time to hate on them. That’s the way of the world, I guess.

Let’s give them something to talk about,

BM

Shut your pie hole, Miranda

As a self-professed Sex and the City groupie (Is there anything more faggy than that? Only butt sex), I am inclined to love anything associated with the brand. Even that God-awful second movie. And even Kim Catrall, who seems like a major bitch in real life. I know this because I have very strong celebrity intuition. It’s a gift.

And, as a Miranda-type myself, I have always had a soft spot for her portrayer Cynthia Nixon. She makes you like the character, despite the fact that she’s kind of a bitch. And has really ugly hair. Plus, she’s ginger. So that rarely works out well.

I kind of stopped liking Cynthia Nixon today. You see, I found out that she’s a moron. Okay, not so much. But she made a comment that really irked me. I got her intentions at the start, but the longer she talked, the more annoyed I felt.

The first part of her quote:

“I gave a speech recently, an empowerment speech to a gay audience, and it included the line ‘I’ve been straight and I’ve been gay, and gay is better.’ And they tried to get me to change it, because they said it implies that homosexuality can be a choice. And for me, it is a choice. I understand that for many people it’s not, but for me it’s a choice, and you don’t get to define my gayness for me. A certain section of our community is very concerned that it not be seen as a choice, because if it’s a choice, then we could opt out. I say it doesn’t matter if we flew here or we swam here, it matters that we are here and we are one group and let us stop trying to make a litmus test for who is considered gay and who is not.”

She’s right in that I shouldn’t be attempting to define her gayness. And she also clarifies that it’s not a choice for many. But, seriously, it’s not a choice for any homosexual. Clearly, this woman is bisexual and feels that she can choose when to be gay and when not to be gay. That is not indicative of the experience for people without opposite-sex attraction. Trust me when I say that I would absolutely have chosen to be knee-deep in vagina right now if it meant an easier life. I couldn’t do it. To say that being gay is a choice for anyone is ignorant, even if you’re talking about yourself.

Bisexuals and homosexuals are not the same. I am not Anne Heche. I won’t wake up tomorrow and be heterosexual and then wake up the next day and be Celestia from an outer galaxy. I am living the only true way I can, as a homosexual. My only choice would be suppressing my feelings and desires in an attempt to appear straight. Like a Republican would. But I still wouldn’t actually be heterosexual.

“Why can’t it be a choice? Why is that any less legitimate? It seems we’re just ceding this point to bigots who are demanding it, and I don’t think that they should define the terms of the debate,” Nixon says. “I also feel like people think I was walking around in a cloud and didn’t realize I was gay, which I find really offensive. I find it offensive to me, but I also find it offensive to all the men I’ve been out with.”

Calling it a choice is less legitimate because it implies that we’re capable of changing to heterosexual. And that just fuels insane bigots like Michele Bachmann and her ex-gay (but probably still gay himself) therapist husband. It fuels the idea that we’re purposefully trying to rebel against the mainstream idea of relationships, marriage and family. And it fuels the idea that we’re not actually born this way and that we just made a bad choice. I was born this way, bitch. Just like Lady Gaga was born in a meat dress.

Of course, Cynthia Nixon is entitled to feel that her own gayness was chosen. But she shouldn’t make comments like this without clarifying that she is, in fact, attracted to men and women. Or that, since it isn’t a choice for so many, young kids shouldn’t foster hope that they can one day snap and walk over to the other side, like she did.

On a positive note, I just read that the Washington Legislature has enough votes to legalize gay marriage. That’s something that’s actually a choice, Cynthia Nixon. Miranda Hobbes would have totally her an idiot, btw.

I’m off to choose a new wife,

BM

So, I have a hickey

Seriously, a hickey. It’s so junior high, right? Although, I did recently give someone a hickey, so maybe it’s karma. I’m hoping it fades quickly, but I’m not quite up to speed on the lifespan of the average hickey. And I’m not sure I own very many turtlenecks. I look like one of the Teen Moms. Shot not Amber. Man, she’s hideous.

The guy who gave me the hickey also had a suspicious red bump on his lip. I obviously didn’t notice this until we went outside the bar, at which point it was too late. I had already made out with him for a bit. So I’m really, really hoping that was a pimple and not a cold sore. I’ve never had one before, which means I either don’t have the virus or I’m one of those people that have it and it’s dormant. Keep your fingers crossed that I don’t start spouting crusty patches on my face. Although, I guess that’s better than the alternative of crusty patches down below. Thank God all I did was kiss this dude.

Please have been a pimple! Or a cut! Or a piece of food. What? It’s not such an outrageous notion. My grandma always has a piece of food on her face.

Overall, it was a fun night. And I’ve already untagged the shirtless photo on Facebook. I tried on wings and thought I was Heidi Klum for a minute there.

Don’t judge me for being classy,

BM

I hate old people (only stupid old people)

I seriously hate old people. It’s 3:30 a.m., but I’m going to post anyway.

I just came from Shoppers Drug Mart. Yes, I went shopping at 2:30 in the morning. On a weekend. I’m so cool that you want to be me. Don’t lie.

Anyway, I spent forty minutes in the store because I had so many coupons and wanted to do my best to match them up with the deals. This is the only time of day when that particular store doesn’t have a line of 10-30 people. I like to take advantage of the quiet.

I collecting my shit, doing my best to ignore a very chatty employee who I’m pretty sure was mentally handicapped. No big deal. I bought stuff I needed and a couple of things I didn’t (the overpriced Quaker Crispy Minis I’m eating right now, for example). Then I went to the cash, as one does.

First of all, can we talk about the chick waiting behind me? She was obviously a sex worker because she was wearing a dress that was see-through from the waist down (not that it went very far down). I figured it was just hiked up when I saw her from the front and spotted panties. But then she turned around and you could see her whole ass (in a thong, obviously). This was not a small girl. It looked like a bowl of cottage cheese. Or dimples. It was Eddie Cibrian’s face!

I went to pay, and the old man cashier was awful. Not only was he rude as hell, but he was also incompetent. Maybe this store only hires especially stupid people. He couldn’t figure out how to scan coupons and had to go get help, even though his tag said “front end supervisor.” I’m used to stupid cashiers, as the world has many, so that’s not really what bugged me. What bugged me was how rude he was, and how annoyed he acted with me. It’s not my fault that you’re seven minutes away from death and haven’t retired yet. Cry me a river, Timberlake.

Why can’t I use coupons? Why can’t I cash in $30 worth of Shoppers points? Maybe you should stop having these things as fucking options if you’re going to hire staff who make you feel like shit for trying to save money. Besides the hooker, it’s not like I was holding anybody up. And someone else helped her, presumably to take a look at her dimples down below.

I hate cranky old people. And stupid people. And cranky, stupid people. But I did get $35 worth of stuff for $5 ($56 worth of stuff before store savings and coupons). So that’s always good.

Oh, and I’m officially nocturnal. The transformation is complete.

Party on,

BM

You know you’ve made it when…

Have I made it? I’ve started to get subscribers to my blog. It’s awesome when people I know start following my every post, but I’ve had three strangers subscribe this week. So that’s pretty cool, right? I’m clearly very popular. Three whole people.

Let’s talk some more about how these people are finding me. Because it never gets old. Here are 11 new search terms that were used to find my blog this week.

1. Adam Levine dick

Yes, please. I’d like to see it.

2. Hipster big boobs.

Kat Dennings should do porn. Her boobs are really, really in demand.

3. Wise pug.

I don’t get it. I am wise (ish), but human. Okay, I’m not wise. Shut up.

4. Patricia Heaton vagina

I loathe Patricia Heaton. I seriously cannot stand that bitch, and not just because she’s a hardcore Republican. Okay, that’s part of it. But I don’t know why anyone would want to see her vagina, anyway. She’s had, like, 17 kids.

5. Jokes about Michael Fassbender

People might joke about his monster of a penis, but this dude’s no joke. I saw A Dangerous Method yesterday and he’s just as good in it as he has been in past films. I’m a massive fan of this hottie. Also, Keira Knightley was fantastic in the movie. Go see it, especially if you’re a biography dork.

6. Photos videos ugly tits different size

I’m going to let this one stand on its own.

7. Best and worst dressed at golden globes channing tatum wife looks like stripper

Bitch, don’t remind me that he’s married. Not fair.

8. Zac Hanson herpes

I can’t believe someone dared speak ill of a Hanson brother. And my favourite one, at that!

9. Asian stripper stuff beads in vagina hangover 2

I don’t remember that part of the movie. Did this happen? Is this sexy? Straight guys, enlighten me. All two of you out there.

10. Gisele Bundchen. explosive

Why is Gisele Bundchen exploding?

11. Larissa Stratton says her soon to be ex doesnt support his kids

I don’t know who this is. Even Google couldn’t tell me.

These are all REAL search terms, people. They don’t seem to be stopping, so look for more batches of ridiculous terms next week.

It’s Friday! Gonna get down on Friday (but not really, because I’m on deadline)!

BM

The perfect celebrity mancandy

Remember when I said I’d be back to create the perfect celebrity man? Well, I’m here. I did it with chicks and now I’m going to do it with dudes. Only, I am way more into dudes so I’m going to have to provide three or four options per category. I’m kind of slutty when it comes to male celebrities. I’d sleep with them all. Even Gary Busey.

Okay, not Gary Busey.

While I’m tempted to just say that Jon Hamm and Ryan Gosling are the perfect men and call it a day, I’m going to do my best to piece together something sexy and worthy of your time. Check it out. Most of these guys could fit into multiple categories, but I tried to hold back on that.

HAIR:

1. Gerard Butler. This is what my hair would look like if I were white. Fuck you, Jew genes.
2. Shia Labeouf. I don’t know. He does it for me. I know he’s not for everyone.
3. Jon Hamm. But only as Don Draper.
4. Mcdreamy. He doesn’t even get a real name.

EYES:

1. Chris Pine. I have liked him ever since I first saw him in that awful Lindsay Lohan movie where she lost all her luck. Hell, I even became a trekkie for him.
2. Zac Efron. I never thought he was cute back in the day. Go see New Year’s Eve. He’s aging incredibly well.
3.Jesse Williams (Jackson on Grey’s Anatomy). Black people with green eyes are hella sexy. Well, he’s not really black. Is he? I don’t know. Sort-of black people with green eyes are hella sexy, too.
4. Jake Gyllenhaal. It’s like staring into the eyes of a puppy…that you want to have sex with.

LIPS:

1. Channing Tatum. AKA: The only reason to watch She’s the Man. Repeatedly.
2. Darren Criss. I like his hair, his scruff, and his voice, but I LOVE his lips.
3. Chris Evans. I was sold by the end of Not Another Teen Movie.
4. Eric Winter. He’s not very famous, but he’s worth Googling. Go. Now. Go now!

JAW AND CHIN:

1. Sam Jaeger (Joe on Parenthood). So manly. So dreamy.
2. Thomas Jane. I’m not quite sure how Patricia Arquette ever scored a man so attractive. She must have a golden vagina. Just saying.
3. George Clooney. I really like his chin. I’d like it implanted on my face.
4. Paul Walker. He can’t act for shit, but that’s not really important in Hollywood.

FACIAL HAIR/STUBBLE:

1. Ryan Gosling. I don’t normally like blonds but…look at him.
2. Robert Downey Jr. And he experimented with guys when he was younger. Maybe I have a shot.
3. Adam Levine. We would make such pretty Jew babies if science could just find a way. Sigh.
4. Eric Bana. Somebody once said I look like him. Maybe if he ate himself and was twice the size.

UPPER BODY:

1. Joe Manganiello. That last name was brutal to spell, but his body is perfection. We’re talking about Alcide from True Blood here, people. Thank God for True Blood and male nudity.
2. Mark Wahlberg. I’m not really sure why Marky Mark doesn’t age. Anyone know?
3. Kellan Lutz. I have never seen him act, but I’m sure it’s fine. Not as fine as his beefy pecs, though.
4. Hugh Jackman. I mean, he’s Wolverine.

LOWER BODY:

1. Chris Meloni. He’s pretty much my dream man, actually. I love shaved heads and I love meaty dudes like this. And he’s naked all over the internet, so go check out his bits if you feel like it.
2. Rob Kardashian. I like big butts and I cannot lie. I will not lie! I love it.
3. Anthony Recker. I don’t watch baseball (obviously), but I do frequent online forums where people talk about baseball players’ asses. Google him. It’s epic.
4. Matt Damon. Only older Matt Damon, though. The beefy one.

This was an incredibly difficult task, despite the fact that I listed seven thousand men. I have so many more hot guys I couldn’t use! Alexander Skarsgard! Justin Timberlake! John Mayer! John Krasinski! I could go on and on and on. Ryan Reynolds! See? I couldn’t even find a place for Brad Pitt, which seems insane. James Franco and Matt Bomer deserve mentions too. I told you I was a slut. For celebrities. Although, if real men looked like this, I’d be way more promiscuous.

As for personality, this dreamboat would be a combination of Clooney, Gosling, and maybe Jimmy Fallon. I like his sense of humour.

And now I’m all worked up with nowhere to go,

BM

Would you have sex for McNuggets?

Okay, so I love this story. I love, love, love this story. I live for shit like this. A woman in Los Angeles was arrested for offering sex acts in exchange for Chicken McNuggets.

Now, I love me some nuggets, as evidenced by my fat ass, but I wouldn’t have sex for nuggets. I’d have sex, possibly, for a good taco. Or maybe a souvlaki. Perhaps even a good roll of sushi. But for McDonalds? It’s like fifteen cents. And it makes for really unpleasant poops. So, no thanks. But, man, how funny is that story? In my head, she looks just like Courtney Love. Even though her name is like katmandustsfgatgdh xwyyebhjc#ew. Something like that.

Okay, now she looks like Ke$ha.

On a sidenote, I just made my first coupon trade off of an online forum. I’m becoming more and more like a Kathy comic strip as the days go by. It’s fine, though, because I don’t own a cat yet.

I haven’t forgotten about my perfect male celebrity mash-up. It’s coming. I’ve just been busy with tons of work. And I didn’t sleep at all last night, so if this blog is incomprehensible, then you can just deal with it. I really don’t care, bitches.

You’ll hear from me shortly,

BM

Ladies that give good face

I have made it a point not to write about anything serious since I’ve been back to blogging, but I just want to say that I hate republicans. And Canadian Conservatives, too, obviously. I have no idea if you capitalize that word, so it’s getting capitalized. Deal with it.

I have some Conservative friends that I love, but I’ll never agree with the way that they vote. I respect their right to choose that particular party, but I just don’t get how these wonderful people can vote for such a shitty option. That’s all I have to say. Let’s hope that Canada keeps gay marriage legal for my lifetime so I can one day marry Ryan Gosling. Thanks, Stephen Harper.

On to the lighter stuff, which is really what this blog is about. It’s about the stupid shit that makes me happy and, as you all know, celebrities make me happy. So imagine how much I’d love a super perfect celebrity face. A British beauty website polled people to find out which features would make the ideal celebrity beauty, and People.com photoshopped a face together. Check it out here. The Frankenstein-y celebrity looks a lot like Kim Kardashian. Or Sandra Bullock.

Obviously, I’m now going to create my own perfect celebrity man and woman. I’m not going to make a photo because that’s way too much effort, but I will include photos for some of the celebs I mention, because I realize that most people are not as obsessed with pop culture as I am. I can’t expect everyone to know the names of the cast of The Good Wife, for example. The only issue is copyright. Since the photos I use are free for use, they are often horrible ones that I find on Wikimedia Commons. You will have to deal with it.

Okay, here’s my dream woman.

HAIR: Kate Gosselin. Just kidding! I’m going to say Kim Kardashian, even though it’s not really all her own hair. But it’s shiny and I really like shiny things.

EYEBROWS: Rihanna. This is such a weird category, but the original poll used it, so I figured I would too. I like Rihanna’s eyebrows. Hair? Not so much.

EYES: Zooey Deschanel. She’s adorkable, right? I’m pretty into her nowadays.

CHEEKBONES: Keira Knightley. I’ve got to agree with this one. She’s perfection. Facially, at least. That girl needs to eat a couple of pints of ice cream before I warm up to her body.

LIPS: Anne Hathaway. The obvious answer is Angelina Jolie, but her lips are a bit much for me. I like them, but they’re not my favourite. They’d be my favourite to pass out on and use as a pillow, though. Anne Hathaway’s are a bit more manageable.

CHIN:Amanda Seyfried. I almost gave her hair. And eyes. And lips. And boobs. I’m obviously very attracted to her face. And tits.

SKIN: Christina Hendricks. She’s so smooth and milky white. I love her skin. Too bad nobody ever looks at anything but her enormous melons.

BOOBS: Kirsten Dunst. I just saw them (in Melancholia). They are fantastic. I keep thinking about them. Maybe I’m straight? Yeah, vagina is still icky. If I could stay above the waist, I could switch teams. Briefly.

BODY: Gisele Bundchen. I’m not so into her face, but she’s got a killer bod. I guess you’d need to in order to land Tom Brady. Just saying.

I should say that Charlize Theron and Blake Lively were runners-up in most categories. Those ladies are smoking hot. And this isn’t really about personality, but I’m going to throw that in, anyway. It’s what is inside that counts, right? Unless you’re completely hideous and then you’re screwed no matter what. My ideal celebrity lady would be a mix of Kelly Clarkson, Meryl Streep, Chelsea Handler, and Tina Fey. I’d throw in 10 others but I’m lazy and I want to go.

My dream male celebrity concoction will come tomorrow. Get ready. We all know men > women…in my pants.

I’m a slave for you,

BM

Gleeful romance

I love that Sue Sylvester drowns her sorrows in ice cream and sappy movies. Beaches is also my go-to movie when I want to cry. I’m such a sad excuse for a man.

Glee‘s big proposal episode was alright, but I’m over the show. I will keep watching it because I like the songs, but it’s just so cheesy. And not even in a guilty pleasure way, like 90210 or Gossip Girl. I’m sick of Lea Michele, too. I like her voice a lot, but she doesn’t need 4 songs an episode. How about you let Dianna Agron sing for once? Or Jenna Ushkowitz? Or Heather Morris? Or ANYONE but Lea Michele and Naya Rivera. So over it.

Speaking of things I’ve long been over, I finally decided to log back in to PlentyofFish. As a rule, I don’t talk about the specifics of my dating life here, but this new move should provide for (at least) some abstract commentary. I sorted through about 70 matches that the site selected for me last night. I clicked “yes” to three people. And I’d estimate that 75 per cent of the others fall somewhere between Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump on the list of people I’d like to fuck. So, not very high (if there’s any confusion).

And now I’m off to watch the rest of New Girl, which has four people I’d like to fuck on it. And two of them are chicks. Maybe I’m bi!

I’m not bi. Bye!

BM